TURN OF THE CENTURY AD MAN JOINS THE TEAM

In an exciting development, TRLA have secured the services of radio pioneer Charles Floyd "Doc" Harrington for their Review/Preview segment.

RLA Monty picks up the story. "Doc is an absolute legend of the Ad industry who we've been trying to recruit for quite some time. His pocket book, although somewhat tattered, is brimming with the most amazing sponsorship contacts imaginable. All of whom can’t seem to resist Doc's wily charms. He's a real asset for the Poddy.”

Contacts indeed. Since Doc's arrival, the Review/Preview segment (an increasingly important part of the RLA Podcast) has never been short of sponsorship. In fact, advertisers are queuing.

Monty continues, “From the first time he showed me his Recto Rotor when visiting him at the ‘Follow the Light’ nursing home - we knew we had our man. He signed on for the RLA Podcast whilst sharing an Old Dick chocolate bar on a subsequent visit and during last week's recording we all shared a pack of Dr. Batty’s Asthma Cigarettes which cured Tone's Hay Fever, my Foul Breath, Seanie’s Canker Sores and, so far, has kept keep Parky free from throat cancer. He’s a miracle worker. No wonder he’s nicknamed ‘Doc'."

Mr Harrington himself, could not be happier to share his sponsors with the RLA team. Holding his nose to effect the oldy-worldy posh English voice for which he is renowned, the bow-legged centurion heaped praise on the RLA boys, “Bravo! These young gentlemen are all class. One is absolutely overjoyed to aid them in their endeavours. And one is delighted to introduce themselves and their listeners to these marvellous products. In fact, one credits these products for one's continued good health, vigour and longevity. Despite one's age, one feels like a young man. In fact, here’s one now. Tally-ho…'

And with that Charles Floyd "Doc” Harrington hobbled over to greet his next visitor.

TUSHY GET CUSHY WITH BILLS’ BEHINDS.

Overseas, our US correspondent has reported that American NFL team, Buffalo Bills have a new naming sponsor for their stadium.

Luxury Bidet company Tushy are clearly flush with cash as they announced a bid ‘a' and a bid ‘b’ for naming rights worth $12.5M, stating they couldn’t let the opportunity go to waste.

Fans have long complained that their field looks like crap, and now it sounds like it too. Supporters are very happy with the newly named Tushy Field saying, ‘It’s got a nice ring to it….’

Awash with rumours, we caught up with Tushy spokesperson, Chuck McBlurter to clear up some loose ends. “Yeah, it’s true, we are going for naming rights and we want to host the first ever college 'Toilet Bowl’. We’ve been cleaning up of late, that Corona Virus has been great for us, you know, with all those ass-wipes causing the paper shortages.”

Our own correspondent is already excited to cover upcoming games. “Just think of the headlines…”, he said, “…when playing the New York Jets; ‘Jet's Stream Wipes Bills Bottoms’. The Dolphins; ‘Bottle-Nosed Dolphins Dig Deep to Pull Nugget From Tushy Field’ and against the New England Patriots; ‘Patriotic Push Agonisingly Stalled Before Action Flows’. That shit practically writes itself!”

In related news we are also thrilled to announce our own TRLA sponsorship with Tushy. We were keen to have a suite of deluxe bidets installed in our local Stan Jurd studio, but negotiations became bogged down before the idea was eventually poo-pooed. We will instead have to make do with the somewhat lesser, number two offering of the portable, Travel Bidet. 

The Tushy representative, apparently on his way to dropping the kids at the pool, said the passage was clear and he’d send the package at his earliest convenience.

HOW MUCH CAN THEY BEAR?

In news to hand it seems, unfortunately, we’ve not seen nor heard the last of the Warriors ‘Wellington tribute’ strip.

The design that was initially passed off as a tablecloth, picnic blanket or even a lumberjacket can now be clearly seen as a rip-off of a well known waistcoat.

Management for Humphrey B. Bear have this morning levelled accusations of a blatant copyright breach, alleging that the New Zealand based side at no time asked for permission to use Humphreys outfit as their own.

The picture (shown right) has become exhibit A.

’Sure, they’re from over the ditch and they might have got away with it over there. But they’re based here now, and we're pretty sure we can stitch them up based on that technicality…’ said their lawyer Byron Rodgers, of Bendsover & Rodgers. 

'Sure, he’s a funny old fellow and quite a fun-loving bear, but let’s just say he’s not seeing the funny side of this one. He is an icon and that tartan waistcoat is an undeniable part of his brand.”

The Warriors in their defence attest that Humphrey in fact agreed to them using his ‘uniform’. We tried talking to Humphrey at his Gold Coast HQ, but as usual, he was unable to speak.

Barry Backer took a stogie from a small, shiny wooden box, bit the end off and spat it on the ground. “One of the minions can clean that up. Anyway, call me Baz.”

He held out his hand to shake and looked perturbed when mine didn’t meet his. “You know… Covid and that…” I sheepishly offered my elbow. “F@#k off! Shake my f@#ken hand ya silly wanker. All I’ve touched is this cigar, oh and my dick…but I got that polished about a half-hour ago…”. He laughed a boorish, single ‘ha’ and eyed me again from head to toe, toe to head. "So what the f@#k can I do for ya?”

I’ve met some marketing managers in my time, but this guy from Mountainsong evangelical church was already setting himself apart as new level dickhead. “So what’s this opportunity you want to talk to me about?"

“I’m working on behalf of the Canterbury Bulldogs, NRL club…” 

“Hahahahahahahahaha!”. I was cut short by Baz as he blurted smoke into the air, then folded in half as he laughed again, “hahahahahahhahahahahaha! Are you kidding me! You do realise we are all Eels around here don’t you? You’re in enemy territory!”

I had noticed the framed Eels jersey on the wall and a framed picture - looked like a Rugby League Week cover from 1986 with Cronin and Price being chaired off the field after their last ever game when they beat the Bulldogs in the Grand Final. It had a couple of signatures on it too. “Oh, no wonder your mob are going so well.”

Barry had stopped laughing by now but still looked bemused. “So why us?”, he said. “I would have thought Kleenex would have been a good option for you lot - got the shit paper and the tissues covered..!” Clearly pleased with himself he went on, “...or how how about Kelloggs, you know All Bran, you guys need a good clear out! Or Lite and f@#ken Easy - that’s a great fit too…some shite e10 petrol or what about the Vegan Society - though you’d have to change your name back to the Berries!

“Hahahahahahaha!” He was clearly good at his job cause he rattled these ideas off with far too much ease, and to be honest he made good points. I laughed along with him nervously then steeled myself, waiting for the right moment to interject with my pitch.

“Mr Backer, um, Baz. You make very good points, but here’s the thing. We NEED Hillsong. We need God. We need all the help we can get. And think of it this way, there are a shitload of Bulldogs fans out there feeling a void. Feeling empty and looking for answers. An absolutely perfect opportunity for you guys to step in and ’save’ them. You know, add to your flock..."

Now, for the fist time, the f@#k-knuckle stopped smirking and eyed me up and down again as I continued, “…and we’ve got heaps of money to spend on good players, but just imagine, you guys, I mean God, can take all of the credit when things do come good…”

Baz's tone suddenly changed. “Sit down my friend, can I offer you a cigar?"

Who remembers the epic footy match between the stellar 80’s music stars and the Gloucester Magpies? Well, unless you’re from the NSW Hunter region and part of the inner circle at the local watering hole, you wouldn’t.

For us it was just a chance meeting with local bar-fly Micky Bidwell that prompted him to find this improbable memory from the far reaches of his mind. He takes up the story.

“I used to own the frickin’ Shindiggers Hotel and I got a call to bring some kegs down to the local park. Apparently a game had been organised for our local boys to play some mob from outta town.

“When I got there I was thinking, f@#k me, who are these city slickers cause some of the players certainly didn’t look the part. I thought to myself, geez, even though our blokes were running around in the Group 3 reserve grade comp they’d have to be odds on to win this game! Well anyway, how wrong was I! Didn’t the other mob just f@#ken rip in! Trounced our blokes in the end.”

“Was only later that I realised who they were. Big Doc from the Angels got em together. Apparently Bono said he didn’t want to play on the Sunday, bloody Sunday. Hence the midweek fixture.

“Here, look at this picture. This guy Morrissey, charming man but tackled everything all day. Tony Hadlee was great, I know this much is true. Idol was all snarling attitude and no-one could really hurt Boy George as he put it up our boys.

“Our lads tried hard but were no match in the end. The final try summed it up really, like a musical score, except it was a footy score if you know what I mean. The Goss Bros combined beautifully to put Bon-Jovi through. He was half way there before he slipped the ball to reserve Barry Gibb who, stayin’ alive, gave it to Collins. Against all odds he kicked it through for Neeson out of the blue, the big fella in turn scooped up the pill and flicked it to Suggs who went just one step beyond before finding Springsteen, born to run, and dive over in the corner…

“Then it was back to the pub, and what a lock-in that turned out to be!

Adam Ant turned on the jukebox, but Mick Hucknell wouldn’t pay, he didn’t mention but musta been something about money was too tight. Barry White serenaded anything that moved, coach Madonna was ‘vogueing’ on the bar when Prince screamed, ‘let’s go crazy!’ and the rest is a f@#king blur…”

Back (from left): Morrissey (2nd-row), Bono (int), B. George (prop), Prince (five-eighth), M. Hucknell (int), Madonna (coach), B. Idol (wing), D. Albans (int), B. Springsteen (hooker), B. Gibb (int). Front (from left): P. Collins (prop), T. Hadley (2nd-row), J. Bon-Jovi (fullback), B. White (prop), M. Goss (centre), L. Goss (centre), A. Ant (halfback), D. Neeson (wing), Suggs (lock), A. Gibb (water boy)

When Peter V’Landys walks into the austere offices of the NRL, he is greeted by an all pervading, hushed silence. Employees standing aside, bowing almost reverentially in his direction, though careful to avoid eye contact as if not worthy. For this is the current status of the man.

He’s been likened to Red Adair - the famous American extinguisher of Saudi oil well fires, and Mr Wolf - the figurative ‘cleaner' from Pulp Fiction, but the man who has single-handedly extinguished the threat of the Corona virus from rugby league AND cleaned up the mess at the play the ball may not be walking these halls for much longer. Trading them instead for the mahogany lined corridors of power at the top end of town.

“Yeah, I’ve had some offers. Some really f@#ken interesting offers actually. Sure, there’s the usual f@#ken suspects, but who wants to be a politician, besides, I’ve got a shady past…”, he winks with a slightly disconcerting smirk. 

I shift uneasily in my chair, suddenly realising we are sitting in his make-shift office at NRL HQ, where Todd Greenberg used to sit. 

“Fixing unemployment - walk in the f@#ken park. Fix roads and the health system, pfft…give me something I can really get my teeth into!”, he said kind of biting the air between us.

He lifted a fistful of papers from his desk and went on.

“Look, here...the UN reckon they want me to help them with world peace, but I wouldn’t believe that for a f@#ken second. Solve the Israeli Palestinian conflict? No f@#ken way - there’s too much invested in the status f@#ken quo…and this about fixing global warming - what a f@#ken hoax that is to start with…

"Something here from the Catholic Church for Chrissakes…! Don’t they know I’m Greek Orthodox for f@#ks sake, I’m not even gunna read that one, cause I’m not even gunna pretend I can fix the shit they’ve gotten themselves into…

"But this looks cool, he says waving another piece of paper, "NASA…asking if I can help them with their space shit, find other life-forms in the universe or whatever. Now there’s a proper challenge…

“Take Rogby Leg to the world? Nah, f@#ken small-fry, let’s take it to the f@#ken universe! The Inter-Galactic Challenge Cup!”, he laughed out loud but I could tell there was something else going on. I could sense an idea only just now conceived, with pieces of a puzzle suddenly coming together in his head.

How about one more footy fix before you move on? Once people are allowed back in can you actually fill grounds at the footy? “Ah, f@#ken piece of piss!

“Lower the price of entry. More people straight away. More people means you sell more shit inside the ground. More people inside the ground buying shit means a great vibe, there’s a f@#k-tonne more fun. More fun means a great atmosphere which attracts even more people so you can sell even more shit. This atmosphere makes it a shit-load more attractive for the sponsors AND broadcasters, so you have that added investment and coverage. Which attracts more people and you sell more shit…and make shit-loads of money...!

“Say it, then make it happen!”

It all sounds so easy and makes so much sense, especially when it comes from ‘Mr Fixit’s’ mouth.

INFLATING FIGURES.

“I don’t see the problem”. Melbourne Storm CEO Dave Donaghy was responding to questions about FC Seoul’s use of sex dolls to fill seats in their stadium during a match last weekend.

“I mean, I reckon it’s a great idea. A real opportunity”, he continues. “Whack some clothes on them, take the sex out of it and they’re just plastic people. Bums on seats are bums on seats, even if they are full of air.

“They can be dressed up with all sorts of logos and sponsors messaging. Holding placards aloft for forward thinking companies and no-ones view is actually being blocked now is it? As long as the cameras are picking it up, that’s all that matters isn’t it. It’s perfect really, we can jam a heap more advertising in there, and together with some atmospheric crowd noise, it’ll feel like a full house!

“And it’s cheap as. Well those plastic ones are. For the price of the twenty-five life-like ones that the Koreans used I could fill the whole frickin stadium with the cheapies. Sure, their mouths are a bit agape, but we cover that with a mask and it’s all good, right. The whole things been blown out of proportion, unlike our dolls who don’t look too bad.

“And it’s not like the NRL really give a shit about how many actual fans turn up for games, so it might as well be like this…

“And let’s face it, it’s Rugby League in Melbourne…our fans don’t really know what they’re watching anyway, and it certainly wouldn’t be the first time we’ve inflated crowd figures…”

TWO-TEAMING TYSON.

Recently retired Sharks legend, Paul Gallen and sportsman extraordinaire, Sonny Bill Williams are reportedly set to take on Mike Tyson in the boxing ring.

Fifty-three year old Tyson has toyed with the idea of a comeback, fuelled by some deluded Covid-19 sentiment, but mostly by the still burning desire to avenge his two previous defeats at the gloved hands of Evander Holyfield.

Says Tyson, “I’m thtill tho pithed that I don’t theem to be able to get thquare with that prithy prick”, before continuing in an even more more hushed whisper, “and after all thith time I’m thtill hungry for hith other ear…”, he gleamed menacingly.

In the meantime he’s going to need some practice and this is where our rugby league duo come in.

“It was our managers idea”, says Gallen from his private gym above the cake shop in north Woolooware. “He reckons he can get us a real good payday. He said to me that maybe, that one day maybe I could even buy that cake shop downstairs”, he shrugged with a hopeful air.

What the Tyson camp probably don’t realise at this time is that the pair are planning a ‘double-team’ proposal.

“Oh, f@#k yeah. I’m not the smartest ex-footy player going around, and neither’s Sonny, but he’s probably smarter than me, so I’m not the smartest out of the two of us, but were both smart enough to know that neither of us will survive against that guy on our own!"

“But, if we’re in there together, we’ve got a fighting chance. No point having the big pay day if I’m not around to eat the cake from the cake shop once I’ve bought the cake shop with the cashola from the fight? Am I right?” We weren’t actually sure, but the aspiring pugilist went on, “If SBW can skip around a bit and keep him occupied, I can sneak up from behind and belt him one. Make it more like old-school footy…”

SBW was unavailable for comment.

The Rugby League Apologists, in conjunction with the NRL’s own bio-chemists are proud to present; THE BELLAMY SPRAY™!

With his amazing record and continued success, everyone in the National Rugby League wants what Craig Bellamy has.

“If only we could bottle what he has!”, has been the popular catch-cry…

Well, now we have! 

Scraped from the windows of his coaches box over the past eight years. Secretly, painstakingly collected, distilled, reconstituted…

And at last. Finally. Bottled. 

THE BELLAMY SPRAY™

PROMISES TO HELP YOU:

-Inspire (create giants from mere mortals).

-Motivate (without saying a word).

-Intimidate (scare the absolute bejeezus out of anyone and everyone).

-Outwit (stay a step ahead of the opposition and the rule makers).

TWO STRENGTHS AND FLAVOURS:

-General Spray - slightly diluted for half-time dressings down.

-The Vaporizer - optimised for post game tirades and off-field indiscretions.

CONTAINS:

-Raw home-truths, pearls of wisdom, wherewithal, spittle and traces of nuts.

DOES NOT CONTAIN:

-Froth, bubble, wasted breath, small talk or idle threats.

DIRECTIONS:

-Administer one short spray to the top of your tongue. That’s it. That’s all you to have to do. It’s your only job. Follow instructions to the letter. Do not f@#k it up.

WARNING:

-Not for the lily-livered or faint-of-heart.

-Use sparingly. May strip paint from walls.

-May induce vomiting or caustic shock.

CONDITIONS:

-Only available to accredited coaches and licensed officials (except for Ricky Stuart who is prohibited from using this substance).

“Hey bro! Yeah, we all love it out here ‘eh…”

It seems New Zealand have been whole-heartedly welcomed to the bosom of the New England. The Warriors already relishing the laid-back Tamworth experience. Just ask their hard man, Adam Blair.

“I didn’t really know about Country and Western music before bro, but they’ve got both here, and we are loving it ‘eh. We even went to see the Big Golden Guitar and the museum. Well, it was just a couple of doors down from Hungry Jacks ‘eh bro, so we went and had a squiz.

“Don’t think much of the fush and chups, but they’ve got the best steaks here bro. They even invented Angus burgers at Hungry Jacks bro. That’s what my cuz told me. They’re really good but, ‘eh.

“You know, back in the day there used to be bushrangers around here. Ben hall and Captain Thunderbolt - how cool! You know, we are like the modern day equivalent bro. But all were gunna steal is peoples hearts, cause we love them so much already you know bro. We really want to pay them back. Thank them for letting us come here. We might even sneak up and steal that NRL cup too, ‘eh bro…?

“Then we’d stay here for good. You know, I’ve been to a lot of places bro. Played footy at a hell of a lot of places. But I really love it here. New Zealand Bushrangers? For sure, sweet-as bro…”

Meanwhile, back at the other ranch…

In Albury the same red carpet hasn’t been rolled out for the Melbourne Storm who are unable to train on the local fields because the council won’t let them. When questioned, Mayor Geoff Toovey said coarsely, “F@#k ‘em. We hate Melbourne and at the next possible opportunity they can piss off back over the river to Wodonga where they belong…”

Adam Blair of the New Zealand Bushrangers?

In news just to hand we can reveal the real sticking point between the Rugby League Players Association and the NRL.

In an Apologists exclusive, we were invited onto a conference call with RPLA president, Clint Newton, and Aussie acting legend, Bryan Brown for the full story.

“In addition to the pay dispute we are pushing for our members to have acting lessons. We’re looking to build it in. That’s been part of the delay to be honest. 'Treading the fields, and the boards’, that’s one of our new motto's", say’s Newton before continuing, “The players have media training but that just makes them all the same. We want them to be truly able to express themselves.”

“Giiiddaay…” came the unmistakeable voice of Brown. A former De La Salle Kingsgrove boy with a love of the Dragons so great that when once asked if he’d rather receive an Oscar or score the winning try in a Grand Final he replied, “If I was wearing a St George jumper, I'd say scoring the try...”

Laconically, Brown continued, “So old mate here got in touch and asked if I could knock together some courses for the boys.”

So, you think they need them, we ask.

“Oh, bloody oath, these guys today are useless. Not an original thought between ‘em. We need to get ‘em out from playing those bloody nerd boxes, and to start playing a proper part. An original part. Playing themselves, but I want them to play that part with CONVICTION!” You could clearly hear the conviction in his voice.

"Look at Matt Nable from back in the day. His footy career was pretty shit and didn’t really amount to anything, but look at what he’s done since. He’s been able to fall back on acting as a proper trade, even had a go in Hollywood, and now he does those raspy melo-bloody-dramatic voice-overs for Fox League. Come to think of it, I should have that gig. Bloody wanker."

Newton quickly interjects, "Our players just don’t seem to be able to act like they used to. Why don’t we see players in ads for the games sponsors, like in cricket. How good is it seeing the likes of our top cricketers being in those Origin Energy ads. They do it well. The way Tim Paine reacts to his wicket-keeping gloves being used by Aaron Finch as oven gloves, 'Nooooooooooooo….!' Hilarious…”

"Matthew Johns, he was ok as a player, but he’s gone on to do some movies and radio and tv…actually too much really. Let’s face it he’s gotten carried away with himself and taken it way too far…ok, bad example."

Brown cuts back in, "But I’m talking the likes of Ian Roberts who played a villain on the field, but also a villain in Underbelly and Superman. Sean Garlick who played in the bloody cardinal and myrtle, AND opposite my missus, AND Nicole Kidman…

"And think of a movie like The First Kangaroos - Wayne Pearce and Andrew Ettingshausen were bloody great in that. Who from our current crop would get a look in if a similar film were made today? That’s how we’ve got to think."

There was a slight delay, you could almost hear the wheels turning in Browns brain, “And it carries over into your everyday life, look at how well ET's done from that early training - his acting work in those Women’s Weekly pictures was superb - the puppy-dog eyes, the laying at the feet of the jilted wife. The remorse was palpable! Seriously, once you can fake that kind of sincerity, you’ve got it made. That’s the sort of committed performance these new guys need to aspire to.” 

Clint Newton piped up again, still talking about the cricketers, “We are a joke, and not a funny one. Contrast our game with the cricketers again. Think of Sandpaper-Gate. What Smith, Warner and Bancroft achieved were performances for the ages. The far-away eyes, the tears. Ok, no-one really believed Warner…and sure they all still got long bans, but if you’re going to go down… 'to thine own self be true'. That was Shakespeare.” You could hear the self-satisfaction in his voice.

“Oi sunshine, you leave the thespian lines to me”, Brown seemed agitated by Newtons attempt but the president went on.

"Compared to that, frankly, the performances of Mitchell, Ado-Carr and Cleary in the last week or so have been awful. They both read the same friggin’ apologies on their Instagram profiles for Chrissakes. They’re giving themselves no chance. Not with the authorities, the league nor the public. It’s our responsibility as a union to make sure we get them the best training, the best chance to get off these charges. Best chance to get some sympathy votes, hoodwink as many people as they can…” 

The Aussie acting legend chimed in, “Too bloody right. Everyones sick and tired of hearing the cliche’s. Where’s the gyp, the bluff, the hornswoggle. The bloody creativity!

“And all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts.”

“Lord, what fools these mortals be!’ Brown was showing off now. Hitting us with some of his Shakespearean repertoire and putting Newton well-and-truly back in his place before continuing…

"And imagine how much better those bloody Bulldog players might have fared with a bit of Willy the bloody Bard?

“Cry havoc! and let slip the dogs of war. Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows.'

Geez, At the very least I would been bloody impressed. I might even 'ave given ‘em a gig in me next bloody production…”

As has been reported, the NRL is considering the possibility of allowing rugby league fans to attend the highly-anticipated State of Origin series, but only if they let the organisation track their movements on an app.

The game’s demi-God, Peter V’landys recently said, “Any punters that are super keen and want to be in the crowd, you can be put on a tracking app and if you’re a really hardcore supporter and can stay at home for 14 days and isolate yourself, you can go to the game." 

Problem is, how do you keep track of these punters? “Well, we could f@#ken shackle ‘em”, said V’Landys off-air, wrongly assuming that we wouldn’t quote him. “Truth is, with a phone, what’s to stop someone from just leaving it inside then f@#king off? How would we know?”

In an inspired move, we can reveal that they have commissioned Dan Blatch, and if that name sounds familiar, it should. He’s the guy with bright blue hair-brained idea that inspired the NSW supporter group of the same name, Blatchy’s Blues. The one he sold to the games marketing department for a six-figure sum back in 2014.

Say’s Blatch, “I’ve been working on new wigs. To be honest, I’ve never stopped. Novelty wigs always have been and always will be my life. Ever since a chance meeting with Ronald McDonald in 1983.” Blatch’s attention wavered and seemed to wander off into the distant past before he came back with a shudder.

“Oh, my. Once you’ve run your fingers through a superior, soft wig synthetic fibre - well, I suppose it’s more of a fetish really.”

He took a small cloth and dabbed at the corners of his mouth where spittle had started to form. He then folded the kerchief into a small square and pushed it back into the top pocket of his velour tracksuit top.

“My new idea is brilliant AND genius”, continued the big-wig himself from the back of his chauffeur-driven limo. “And I’m always up to shell some more dough from those footy dullards…”, he smirked toward his driver who nodded in agreement.

“I call it SmartWiG. Sure, it’s on the shoulders, as it were, of some of the more recent tech, but this is different. It’s got the super-LED lighting in the tips, and blue-tooth headphones, but more importantly we had to solve the issue of punters flouting the law. So, we made a wig that’s got GPS tracking gear in it!

He was getting really excited now, removing the hanky from his pocket and getting it to work again.

“But, the real issue is - how do we make sure they can’t be separated from the tracker? Here’s the genius part. We glue the f@#ken thing on - and it stays there for as long as we need it to. Well, let’s say the 14 day quarantine, up to and including the game…that’s the sort of commitment you’ll need.

“But the concept is much, much more than that - sure we have you tracked, but it’s more the fact that if you do try and go out, beat the system as it were, because the wig can’t come off, you’ll be wearing it outside and instantly recognised!

“Now I like getting about in fake hair as much as the next bloke, but in this case, in this Covid-wary crowd, you’ll stand out like a tool! Think of the embarrassment, the ignominy!”

“I can already see the ad campaign, Blatchy’s Blues Don’t Wig Out… ”

We can confirm that the link between the NRL and Scientology is tenuous at best. In fact, we can categorically say there is hardly any connection at all.

When contacted for comment, former St George and Canterbury-Bankstown front-rower, Pat Jarvis said, “what does tenuous mean?”

Though it is true that the tough-tackling, soft-talking footballer once spruiked L. Ron Hubbard’s book, ‘Dianetics’ in footy bible Rugby League Week back in the day, he was reticent to talk to us. “Yeah, nah”, he said, almost a whisper as if not to attract any attention.

There has however been a connection in the past which is what sent us down this investigative rabbit-hole. From the late 1970’s, little known Bulldog and Saints player Joseph Reaiche, Dragon Chris Guider and the aforementioned Jarvis were all members of the church. Each becoming a part of the Sea Org - the flagship known as Apollo. And after a tip-off, this, and here’s that word again, ‘tenuous’ connection to the NRL’s Project Apollo is what piqued our curiosity. Well that, and we are really desperate for content. Any content. Anything at all.

A friend of a friend of a friend who knew an acquaintance of actor and South Sydney owner Russell Crowe, that we met in an online chat room, put it to us like this:

“So, you know, like, what’s his f@#king name, Crowe, see, well he’s mates with little Tommy Cruise and that disco guy, Johnny f@#king Travolta…”

It was weird right. Firstly that he would talk in this way, but especially that this is also how he typed. But we digress…

“So anyways, they were jilted by Crowe and f@#king Happy Days, red-headed little f@#ker. The one who’s a big time director now…Richie f@#king Cunningham, that’s him, when Crowe got to be master and commander in that film, you know, A Beautiful Mind, and both little Tommy and disco guy missed out. Between you and me, they would have been crap versions of John Nash! Right! Am I right or am I right, hey? Hey? Hey? F@#ken-ay I am!”

Yeah, they would have been pretty bad alternatives, we agreed.

“So, hear me out. Well, Richie was also director of Apollo 13 - see where I’m going with this!

We didn’t have a clue but had nothing better to do, and this was filling in some space in the bogus ‘news’ section of our website…

“They’d already tried to get Murdoch and Packer back in the day, but they got double-crossed, and Murdoch made a fool of them, so, this was the chance to get even. They’d already gotten into that Project Apollo mob….then they were gonna get in on the broadcast deal cause the f@#king captain and commander has friends everywhere…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa," we said. And one more for extra effect, “Whoa! You cant be serious? So what are you saying? Who is involved?”

There was no answer. The line dead, our contact was gone.

“Oh, sorry about that. Just went out for a piss.” she was back. “Who the f@#k are you again?”

Of the change to the player, some say revolution The winger’s the one who’s had most evolution.

From nippy and slight, to muscle-bound, tall From days when the backs would try things with the ball.

Half to five-eighth, from centre to wing Not today’s game where the bomb is the thing.

They were times when Ken Irvine was star of the day But coaches eyes changed when they saw Terry Fahey.

Chicka Fergo on scales was about seventy-two If faced with Ken Maumalo, what the hell would he do?

That guy’s one-eleven when I check through the notes Boustead about seventy, one-o-five Corey Oates.

That brings me to height where the margins are great Daniel Tupou’s six-five, Steve Morris five-eight.

The wingers new role, help the pack when they’re tiring You don’t see the flyer of a backline that’s firing.

I miss seeing the flankers when they got into space Now defence is so strong, having room’s out of place.

Most wingers today are just bulls who can jump Just kick to the corner when under the pump.

Scrum moves seem dead, no more clever set plays A backline deep set, oh those were the days!

The winger just ran, didn’t work like a lock They say Stevie Edmonds had a comb in his sock.

Some wingers were pretty, like Gearin and Bourke A clean jersey a sign of a good day at work.

My memories are cherished, but starting to fade I just liked it better when Corowa played.

Ken Maumalo, Rick Bourke, Ken Irvine, Corey Oates, Steve Morris, Stevie Edmonds, John Ferguson, Kerry Boustead, Terry Fahey, Steve Gearin, Larry Corowa and Daniel Tupou.